little things.

hey mama.
today I found a book you gave me with the following inscription...

i vaguely remember the christmas that you gave me this, and I can guarantee that I did not appreciate it the way I do today.
everytime I read this it brings tears to my eyes.
I miss you so much.
It hurts always.
all my love.

gravity

hey mama.
this song is about a break up, but gives me chill bumps when I hear it because all I can think of is you.
always you.

"Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.

You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your rain."

i miss you. always.
all my love.

"you and laura evans"

hey mama.
i'm sorry that it's been a while. there is still so much that i want to say to you, but sometimes i can't seem to find the words, and sometimes i can't seem to find the strength. i find myself saying all the time "i really wish mama was here. she would know what to do."
i want to tell you all about our trip soon, but i think i will do that in my next letter.
today i went to facebook page like i do so often, usually just because it is yours. the "likes" are your likes. the photos are your photos, and the words are your words. its yours. but today i noticed that it had the option to click on something that said "you and laura evans." i obviously clicked it, and when i did, it showed me everything we had ever said to each other on facebook all on one page. i immediately broke into tears. why is it so hard to read the things that you've said to me. you're such an amazing person, when i read your words, i hear your voice, and when that happens the hole in my heart consumes me. i feel as if nothing will ever be right again. i know that sounds dramatic, and i know you know i do have a dramatic side, but i say this with all seriousness. its too big. the loss is too great. and yet, i can't look away. i never want to forget the words that you said to me. any of them.
i miss you more than my simple words can describe. there isn't a day that goes by, that i don't think of you a million times. that i don't think of a million things i wish i could say to you. things i wish i could do with you.
the world is wrong without you in it.
you are and will always be my hero.
all my love.

four months.

hey mama. today is four months since you've gone. it feels like a moment and a lifetime all in one. i miss your more and more each day. we went to the grand canyon yesterday and while i was there i received a text from one of my best friends kelsey. her mom is with you in heaven (and probably a great friend of yours now). it said "I hope you feel your your mama out there in all the beautiful earth around you. she is with you and she is proud of you. i promise." she was so right. i read that and immediately started crying. it was like i was breathing you in. i could feel you on my skin, in my lungs, i could see you, close my eyes and imagine you. mama, it was so amazing. it was tremendously beautiful and incredibly heartbreaking all at the same time. i've never experienced anything like it. i miss you so much mama and i wish so much that you could have been on this trip with us. you would have loved it. when you see Kelsey's mama, give her a big hug for me and tell her i said thank you for rainsing such an amazing woman. all my love mama.

fourth of july.

hey mama.
as I sit here on this fourth of july, i am reminded of the many that i spent with you. i have so many wonderful memories with you and our family. all the times we spent at grandmas and stacey's. all the fireworks, and deviled eggs, and watermelon. running around and getting dirty, catching lightning bugs (you always made me release them). so many great memories.
it seems that since you've gone, all of the good memories have been accompanied by a sense of sadness. mostly for elaina. i have all these memories with you that she'll never get to have. so many memories that y'all never got to make. it repeatedly breaks my heart.
as we spend this holiday with your family in arizona, i cannot help but to think of you. always. we have so many things planned that i know you would love, but mostly i know you'd love to spend time with your family.
i miss you.
all my love.

crossing the country.

hey mama.
we set off on saturday for our trip across the country. i keep thinking how much you would love this. it's very bittersweet. i haven't been able to bring myself to write since we left. i'm having a great time, but my heart is sad. i miss you so much.

we've seen so many things. driven past so many sights. you've been on my mind at every stop.

you would be so proud of elaina, she's doing so great in the car.

all my love.

hurt.

hey mama.
today it hurts.
so much. like someone has reached into my chest and ripped out my heart.
empty.
sad.
i miss you.

all my love.