Sunday, June 17, 2012

the good and the bad,

hey mama.
the last 3 days, my mind has been flooded by the bad memories. mostly the ones in the last 2 years and mostly all of them happening in the hospital. this happens fairly regularly, and when it does, its just too big. it's too much to handle and i have to turn my brain off. i have to force out the bad memories and replace them with good ones. otherwise, i end up having a panic attack. i tell myself i want to forget those bad memories, the hard ones. and then i find myself clinging to them, like if i forget those, i'll forget you. the internal turmoil that comes from this is exhausting. i don't want to lose any part of you.
not a single part. even if that means i struggle internally like this for the rest of my life, i will not forget you. anything about you.

this image is the thing that always bring me back to the finality of your death. i can normally remember you as if you were still here, simply on vacation. when this image comes to mind however, i am instantly slapped in the face with the harsh reality that you are gone. it is strangely peaceful however, and i find myself looking at it often.
maybe it's the fact that i know you are no longer in pain. i'm not sure the reason, but as sad as this photo makes me, i find it incredibly beautiful.
all my love.

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