today I found a book you gave me with the following inscription...
i vaguely remember the christmas that you gave me this, and I can guarantee that I did not appreciate it the way I do today.
everytime I read this it brings tears to my eyes.
I miss you so much.
It hurts always.
all my love.
i'm sorry that it's been a while. there is still so much that i want to say to you, but sometimes i can't seem to find the words, and sometimes i can't seem to find the strength. i find myself saying all the time "i really wish mama was here. she would know what to do."
i want to tell you all about our trip soon, but i think i will do that in my next letter.
today i went to facebook page like i do so often, usually just because it is yours. the "likes" are your likes. the photos are your photos, and the words are your words. its yours. but today i noticed that it had the option to click on something that said "you and laura evans." i obviously clicked it, and when i did, it showed me everything we had ever said to each other on facebook all on one page. i immediately broke into tears. why is it so hard to read the things that you've said to me. you're such an amazing person, when i read your words, i hear your voice, and when that happens the hole in my heart consumes me. i feel as if nothing will ever be right again. i know that sounds dramatic, and i know you know i do have a dramatic side, but i say this with all seriousness. its too big. the loss is too great. and yet, i can't look away. i never want to forget the words that you said to me. any of them.
i miss you more than my simple words can describe. there isn't a day that goes by, that i don't think of you a million times. that i don't think of a million things i wish i could say to you. things i wish i could do with you.
the world is wrong without you in it.
you are and will always be my hero.
all my love.
today is four months since you've gone. it feels like a moment and a lifetime all in one. i miss your more and more each day.
we went to the grand canyon yesterday and while i was there i received a text from one of my best friends kelsey. her mom is with you in heaven (and probably a great friend of yours now). it said "I hope you feel your your mama out there in all the beautiful earth around you. she is with you and she is proud of you. i promise." she was so right. i read that and immediately started crying. it was like i was breathing you in. i could feel you on my skin, in my lungs, i could see you, close my eyes and imagine you. mama, it was so amazing. it was tremendously beautiful and incredibly heartbreaking all at the same time. i've never experienced anything like it.
i miss you so much mama and i wish so much that you could have been on this trip with us. you would have loved it.
when you see Kelsey's mama, give her a big hug for me and tell her i said thank you for rainsing such an amazing woman.
all my love mama.
as I sit here on this fourth of july, i am reminded of the many that i spent with you. i have so many wonderful memories with you and our family. all the times we spent at grandmas and stacey's. all the fireworks, and deviled eggs, and watermelon. running around and getting dirty, catching lightning bugs (you always made me release them). so many great memories.
it seems that since you've gone, all of the good memories have been accompanied by a sense of sadness. mostly for elaina. i have all these memories with you that she'll never get to have. so many memories that y'all never got to make. it repeatedly breaks my heart.
as we spend this holiday with your family in arizona, i cannot help but to think of you. always. we have so many things planned that i know you would love, but mostly i know you'd love to spend time with your family.
i miss you.
all my love.
we set off on saturday for our trip across the country. i keep thinking how much you would love this. it's very bittersweet. i haven't been able to bring myself to write since we left. i'm having a great time, but my heart is sad. i miss you so much.
we've seen so many things. driven past so many sights. you've been on my mind at every stop.
you would be so proud of elaina, she's doing so great in the car.
i was driving down the road today, (when i do all my best thinking), and was struck by the amount of people that will never know you. i can't imagine not having had you in my life, and it seems bizarre and cruel that everyone else wouldn't have you in theirs. maybe this is odd of me to think, but i just can't fathom it. i found myself feeling sorry for everyone who will never know you. this was a new kind of sad for me. my usual sadness is one that comes from thinking of all of the people that loved you and that you loved, that will never see you again. this sadness was strange. an emptiness inside me thinking about everything the strangers missed out on. because you, mama, were the single greatest person i will ever know.
i've had the thoughts that my future friends, and boyfriends, or husband, and children, and Rylee's future wife and children, and Elaina Grace will all never have the pleasure of knowing you. but i have never experienced the deep sense of loss for people i don't even know right now. i don't know if what i am saying makes any sense mama, but i just wanted you to know that all of the people you never met, or all the people that never took the time to get to know you, really missed out.
and don't worry, i full intend to tell the people important to me, all about you.
all my love.
i went to some yard sales today with my friend Diana. you would love her. it made me think about all the times that we went together to yard sales. those memories made me smile. i found myself thinking, "oh mama would definitely have gotten this for her classroom," and "would mama get this for Gracie?" the majority of the things that i noticed were toys, and i know that's because of you. it made me think about your generous nature, selfless, caring, loving. always willing to sacrifice yourself for the people that you loved. and even people that you didn't know at all. it reminded me how proud i am to call you my mama. you are the world to me. thank you for the love that you never stopped showing me.
all my love.
i wanted to show you this lovely picture that my beautiful friend Jenna drew of you and me. she is quite talented. you would love her. she is a wonderful friend. and she's about to have a baby! another thing that you would love about her.
this picture is hanging in my room, and i swear when i look at it, its like looking at a photo of you. it clears my heart and my mind. it makes me feel close to you. i love how perfect she got your hair. it always looked so lovely. you are so beautiful.
i miss you mama. so much. i pick up my phone to call you all the time. i think to myself, "i can't wait to tell mama so and so" and "man, i haven't talked to mama in a while, i should call her." the startling realization that those things won't happen anymore, is often almost more than i can bear.
it makes all the memories even sweeter though. i can't wait to be able to tell elaina all about you and how wonderful and magnificently beautiful you were.
i think about you always.
all my love.
the last 3 days, my mind has been flooded by the bad memories. mostly the ones in the last 2 years and mostly all of them happening in the hospital. this happens fairly regularly, and when it does, its just too big. it's too much to handle and i have to turn my brain off. i have to force out the bad memories and replace them with good ones. otherwise, i end up having a panic attack. i tell myself i want to forget those bad memories, the hard ones. and then i find myself clinging to them, like if i forget those, i'll forget you. the internal turmoil that comes from this is exhausting. i don't want to lose any part of you.
not a single part. even if that means i struggle internally like this for the rest of my life, i will not forget you. anything about you.
this image is the thing that always bring me back to the finality of
your death. i can normally remember you as if you were still here,
simply on vacation. when this image comes to mind however, i am
instantly slapped in the face with the harsh reality that you are gone. it is strangely peaceful however, and i find myself looking at it often.
maybe it's the fact that i know you are no longer in pain. i'm not sure the reason, but as sad as this photo makes me, i find it incredibly beautiful.
all my love.
i've been listening to a lot of country music lately. today i was noticing this and wondering why this might be. the more i thought about it the more i realized that i think it's because of you. country music always seems to be about a person, and influential one. there seems to be something in almost every country song that reminds me of you. no matter the perspective that the writer has be it lover, son, father, i can always make it about you. that's because your wonderful. the kind of person that everyone wants to have in their lives. the kind of woman that people write songs about. that's you. i hope you know that. i've found that listening to country music makes me feel close to you.
i like it that way.
all my love.
i was reminded today about my 13th (?) birthday party. it was a sleepover. all my friends were there and we were taking up real estate in the basement.we had been talking and watching movies, and probably gossiping, normal teenage behavior. all of a sudden, we saw two hooded figures, with panty hose over their faces, seemingly trying to break into the sliding glass door leading into the basement. you and dad waited long enough to make all of us scream like we would never scream again, and do our best to not pee right down our pants before you revealed your faces, laughing hysterically. i was so angry. i've never handled being scared well, and this time i was scared AND embarassed.
now i look back on this and smile. you and your sick sense of humor. its one of my favorite things about you. we were always having something to laugh about. some sick joke to recveal. i love this.
just you, me and our sick senses of humor.
all my love.
i've been listening to this song "the trapeze swinger" alot. 6 times today in fact. it makes me think of you so much that sometimes i play it on repeat for an hour. its 8 minutes long, so its only like 7 times or something, but still. i never listened to this song with you, i don't believe, and yet it fills my heart with a nearness to you. i won't pretend to know what Sam Beam was thinking when he wrote this song, but i will tell you what it means to me. he's lost someone. someone dear. and the whole song is a recollection of seemingly trivial memories. the thing is, these memories mean so much to him. the song is a gentle plea to remember the small things they enjoyed together.
that's how i feel mama. my brain and soul are flooding with memories, some complete, and some in fragments. but they're mine.
the memory i've been piecing together today, is from way back when you worked at office max (or staples, or office depot, or whatever it was called then) and i was probably 5? dad and i came to pick you up pretty late at night and you got in the car holding a box, containing a tiny finch that you had become determined to save. the only other thing i remember is looking at that cute tiny bird with you and knowing you were right. we had to rescue it. i don't remember what happened next, or even if the bird lived or died. i'm sure that if i asked dad, he might be able to help me complete this memory, but then it wouldn't be mine. and i want to keep this one all mine. i want to hang on to every last memory.
mama, i don't know if you have a record player in heaven, or if you can even access music from my world. but if you can, grab iron and wine's record and listen to "the trapeze swinger" with me.
all my love.
i miss you. i'm learning that I never stop thinking about you. all the things i learned from you, and all the things i've done with you. my brain takes me back to all sorts of times with you, all throughout my day. it's songs, or places, sometimes even words. I think constantly in "oh my heck's/"
i was going through some old stuff the other day, and found the dress you bought me for my first high school Christmas dance. i was reminded of that day, in its entirety. you drove me for miles to find a dress and we spent the whole day together just shopping and talking. you were so patient with me trying on everything, and complaining about not being able to find the perfect dress. you told me that we surely would find it, and through my complaining and pushing the budget, you stayed patient and happy, while dealing with a (bratty) teenager. there are so many days like this. made wonderful simply by your presence.
sometimes i feel sad when i think about the fact hat you won't be there on my wedding day. or even to help me pick out my next "perfect" dress.
for now, i will hold onto this dress. and this memory.
all my love.
most you know that on March 11, 2012 I lost my mom. mama had a nearly 2 year long fight with cancer. by the end she was in a great deal of pain. this made her death bittersweet. I mourn my own loss, but am grateful that her suffering is over.
mama was the most amazing woman I will ever know. I know that. most of you know that. she was loving, caring, kind, and beautiful. I still pick up the phone to call her. I still want to talk to her and find myself talking to her all the time. I will not stop. I don't want to stop. I have to believe that she will still hear me. therefore, my goal is to write to mama daily. share with here the things I would if she were here. believe that she hears them. that is the idea behind this blog. it's not for you, and its not for me. it's for her.